mess with my mind.

...

To no one in particular:

Fuck you. Fuck you. Fuck you. Fuck you. Fuck you. Fuck you. Fuck you. Fuck you. Fuck you. Fuck you. Fuck you. Fuck you. Fuck you. Fuck you. Fuck you. Fuck you. Fuck you. Fuck you. Fuck you. Fuck you. Fuck you.

it's raining today.

There is no better music for a rainy day.

It was around this day last year that I graduated from high school and gave a speech to my class. It feels like forever ago. I suppose a year is a long time. Relatively speaking, of course. That speech I gave is probably one of my proudest memories of high school. I remember walking up the podium and people clapping for me and cheering before I said a word. The first thought in my head was, "Wait, people know who I am and like me enough to cheer for me before I even say a word?" It felt nice.

I'm glad there is a tree right outside of my window.

this is out of our reach.

It's weird how good Bleach and In Utero are and how much of a fuck I don't give about Nevermind. That album is just straight up boring. In Bloom is an okay song, I suppose.

I still have no job. I still feel anxious 24/7. My heart beats slowly and thumps before I fall asleep. I downloaded Vicky Cristina Barcelona tonight because I haven't seen it since I saw it in theaters. I also downloaded Videodrome because I lost my fucking copy when I was moving back in (I think that's when, anyway).

Life goes on.

every night.

Anxious. Every night I try to let my head rest by 2 AM. Maybe 2:30. Depending. Fingers ache. Mind frayed. Every wall looks another surface to bash my head against.

No girls. No smiles. No sun. No well wishing and no good lucks. No reassurance and no appreciation. My hands are open; my hands are not empty. I want to yell until my voice is shot and then I'll yell some more. Misanthropic and pessimistic, but with a smile. A real one. Not fake. Happy pessimism and agreeable misanthropy.

Do you hate?

I hate. Every fiber of my body hates. I don't know what it's like to not hate. Each face crumbles and I hate some more. Vicious cycle. Vicious life. I'll shake hands and I'll give it a shot.

I am not a dog on a leash. I am not someone to be tested on, to see how far the limits go. Fingernails dig into scalp. Am I actually this weak or is it possible for people to be this strong? Nevermind. Nevermind everything. I'll always justify. I'll always want to feel better.

It's 1:41 AM. I have twenty minutes until I intend to go to sleep and another thirty until I actually do.

Do you hate?

You must.

lets live our life now.

I decided to upload Harmonium's 2004 demo for you all to listen to. This was my first real, serious band. Some of the best times of my life so far took place in Josh Brent's bedroom, practicing with this band. I wouldn't trade those moments for anything. Period. Take a listen...

Harmonium - We Eat Beautiful Music

i'm going crazy.

My heart feels like it's always in a knot.

I am not a dog on a leash.