i'll stay in forever.

Bashed head. Cracked skull. Broken fingers. Snapped wrists. I can’t find an ounce of care in my spit. Woke up, fucked up, thrown out, ad nauseum (ad nauseum ad nauseum). Who put me here? My father’s penis and my mother’s vagina. Those same exact things rear their ugly heads everywhere I go. I don’t want to listen to my dick, following ovaries like an invisible string attaches them.

Why am I jealous of the man who has the woman I didn’t even want? I wish my dick would separate itself from my body. Live it’s own life.

Burnt hair. Burnt flesh. Burnt. My veins pump carbonation. Just enough to get me through the day. We’ll fuck. I want to fuck. Fuck myself up on fucking. And we’ll play the games. We’ll do whatever it is the books tell us to do. My come is not some poetic elixir of life; it’s just something I want to get out of my body. Expel it. I don’t care. I don’t have an ounce of care in my come.

Stained bed sheets ever since adolescence. I’m sleeping in as late as I possibly can until I feel like a bigger piece of shit than I actually am. Until my grease from my nose becomes too much. Until my soiled bed sheets smell so bad that I have to rip them up. Snooze. White noise permeates my waking hours. Everyone talks in white noise. Nothing comes through. Nothing registers. Might as well not talk. Might as well turn it off.

I’ll fuck you and you’ll hate it. You’ll hate it. Not because you don’t want it but because it disgusts you. Because two naked bodies so close is so fucking vile, so filthy. I’ll try to unlock your door but it’s the wrong fucking key. Every guy has the wrong key. Nothing will ever be like the movies and nothing will ever be naturally beautiful. We add the beauty, but humans don’t understand beauty. We don’t understand anything.

I dream of throwing myself off of my balcony but never hitting the ground. Just falling. I’ll dream of jacking off but never coming. I’ll dream of writing but never producing a thought. I’ll dream of dreaming but never waking up. Stuck in my own head. Where I belong.