on why i hate thanksgiving.

My Dad has a wonderful family. He is one of 13; 10 brothers and two sisters. His father is a kind and gentle man and his mother, rest in piece, was a wonderful women filled with care and compassion. My Father loves all of them very, very much, as do I and my sisters and Mother.

They come up from Mexico every November for Thanksgiving, which is a decidedly American holiday, but hey, it's an excuse for them to come up and spend time with us. And the idea seems very nice and to everyone else in my family it is very nice.

Not to me, though.

Because of my laziness and apathy, I have yet to really master in any sort of capacity the Spanish language. Sure, in class I can fill out a worksheet, whatever. But when forced to converse with my family I become scared and stammer, and I become embarrassed and retreat back to my room. I end up feeling like a stranger in my own house because of my inability to talk with my family, and I worry that they think I think I'm better than them or something equally as horrible as that. This is not the case. I'm just an idiot who is too lazy to learn my Father's original language, which he expresses grief in at any chance he gets. So, in the end, I just feel like a jerk by secluding myself from the rest of my relatives who in turn I believe think of me as some sort of asshole for not even trying to talk or hang out with them because in reality I'm scared.

Scared, can you believe it? Of my own family. It's sad, pathetic, and stupid. But it's the truth. It stresses me out and makes me worried and makes this otherwise pleasant holiday something of a nuisance to me. It puts me in a gloomy mood and I wish I could fix it. And I've been trying, but I feel like my Spanish will never be good enough. I feel too self-conscious, to aware of my mistakes in verb tenses and adjectives. It feels almost suffocating when I find myself slipping up on basic phrases in front of native speakers, even my family. So I hide myself away.

Besides all this, I enjoy Thanksgiving. Oh well.

Happy Thanksgiving to everyone else, though. I'm just thankful for not being dead. And anyone who calls me "friend," I suppose.